My theory: Your 20’s are all about figuring out who you really are. Your 30’s are all about figuring out how to accept who you really are. So what are your 40’s about? Just a whole bunch of awesome because you know what’s important and you don’t care what other people think? Because although I’ve only been 40 for like a month and a half, I’m riding the Don’t Care Train, for sure. I don’t care what people think about my weight, my hair, my make-up-free face, the condition of my house or the car I drive or any of those things. Right now I have the awesome gift of love and friendship on my mind. I’ve been hanging out a lot with my super- awesome and amazing friend Tiff, and yesterday was all about Shari and Shaune. I love you guys! I’m a lucky 40-year-old who doesn’t care what anyone thinks.
So, last night was my the first night of my summer bible study (and the first time I led a bible study ever). I think it went pretty well. I mean, I thought it did. They all said, “See ya next week!” so I guess it wasn’t too hideous. My natural inclination is to pick apart the weakness of my questions and “leadership” abilities and stuff like that…but nobody is judging me on those things. Nobody except me. We veered off topic a lot, which I loved. I want this to be free and easy and open. And it was. I’m sure it will just get freer and easier and…opener.
It is said that when two or more people gather in His name, He is there. And He was. The Lord wants these specific women to get together and talk and learn about Him. He will give us all the words we need for each other.
So, what did I learn? I learned that I need to remember that God has a sense of humor. As someone who loves to laugh, loves to be silly, loves to think outside the box…how do I forget this?? As one of my friends said last night, if we are made in His image, obviously he has a sense of humor! Obviously we can use our sense of humor in connection with Him. I forget that sometimes.
I also learned that despite how much I’ve mellowed out in the past few years, I am still a total worrier. Am I (*gasp*) a MARTHA?!?!. I’d like to think I’m a Mary, but I’m not so sure. I wish I could truly not care about what others are thinking about me (or what the house looks like or how the food tastes or is everything good enough). I assume others are thinking the same things I am thinking. Like, as I’m blathering on about whatever: “Man, this girl should NOT be leading a bible study.” “Yikes, how did she not remember the details of that story she is trying to reference?” Yes, I know this stuff is only my own insecurity. And it’s the enemy trying to discourage me. Well, it ain’t gonna happen. This could be the crappiest, lamest bible study in the world and I am not giving up and I’m not gonna doubt myself or worry what anyone thinks. Yeah, right. Shut up, enemy!! You sound like a crazy person. Yeah, what else is new?!
I would also say that I learned that I am blessed beyond measure, but I already knew that. That is one thing that I will never, ever doubt.
Today an old friend from high school is coming over. I haven’t seen her in like 22 years. Wait, that’s a lie. I saw her at a friend’s pwedding in…’95 or ’96 or something. Anyway, it’s been a long time.
I’m totally excited! And it’s been made less awkward thanks to Facebook; we’ve been catching up for a while now. But once upon a time, my excitement would have been eclipsed by frantic cleaning of my house and making sure It looked perfect and that I looked perfect and I had perfect appetizers fresh out of the oven on the coffee table…now, we don’t even HAVE a coffee table because the kids gouge themselves on the corners and climb on it and besides, no coffee table leaves more room for TOYS!
I was going to make us a nice lunch, but the other day our sink started leaking. Once upon a time I would have SPAZZED OUT that my perfect lunch plans for this person I haven’t seen since the Clinton Administration were ruined by something so devastating as a sink that currently leaks into a bucket we stuck under there. How gauche!! I used to really believe that people judge you on things like this. And maybe people do, but not anyone I want to hang out with.
So, I’m gonna load up these kiddos in a fee minutes and dash over to the Italian market and get some stuff for our lunch is way more delicious than I could ever make. I’m going to leave the dirty dishes in the sink that leaks. I’m going to try to vacuum, but if I don’t manage to fit that in, oh well. Believe me, this is MAJOR. I once literally followed my in-laws through my house with a Swiffer after they came in from the snow. I am not kidding.
I have loosened up a lot. Kind of like the doorknob that finally fell off our front door. As everyone who comes over regularly knows, you might want to text me to see if you need to come to the front or side door. Hey, the front door locks from the outside. We have other means of exit in case of emergency. It’s fine.
These things used to drive me insane and somehow make me feel like less of a successful person, because my priorities were all screwed up. I’m glad I finally figured out that I am so blessed just to have a home. A nice one, too! One that my hubby and I put our blood, sweat, and tears into. One we fixed up ourselves. The backyard that we got married in, where we grow vegetables, where we have cookouts and fire pits with friends and family and play with our kids. I love this house. I have a hippie thing in the wall that says “God Bless Our Pad.” And He has. This feels like home more than any place I have ever lived.
The moral of the story: perfection is for schmucks.